Sunday, April 10, 2005

Pie-ing Horowitz

Though I’ve never thought that hitting someone in the face with a pie is particularly effective, I must take note of pie victim David Horowitz’s statement that

There's a wave of violence on college campuses, committed by what I'd call fascists opposing conservatives… It's one step from that to injury.

Never before had I heard of a fascist pie-thrower. Naïve, I just didn’t think they had the sense of humor. Now that I am alerted, though, I will be on my toes.

This warning certainly should be taken seriously. For Horowitz, of course, is president of The Center for the Study of Popular Culture, an organization

dedicated to defending the cultural foundations of a free society, a task made even more pressing by the attack on America of September 11th, the Iraq conflict and the internal opponents of freedom this attack has revealed.

Horowitz probably (and rightly) feels that the recent spate of pie-ings of wingnuts has revealed more of these internal opponents. Somewhere in the depths of Langley (or, maybe, in that bunker FBI building—or over at the NSA), I’m sure, there’s now a growing file. Soon, watch-lists will be released to public-safety organizations. Possible pie-ers will begin to be kept out of auditoriums and town meetings—and from airplanes. Fear of shoe piers, especially, will sweep the nation, when vigilant passengers on Amtrak’s Metroliner to DC spot meringue oozing from a desert boot thrust nonchalantly into the aisle.

After all, “it’s only one step from that to injury.”

Soon, the Patriot Act will have to be amended. The FBI will be directed to access bakery records, and the sale of flour, lemon, sugar, and eggs in supermarkets will be monitored. The president will say that the country must do anything necessary to keep these pie-ers from taking that next step, from growing into fomenters of injury. A “war on pie-ers” will be declared, with the purpose of keeping the wayward from following the inevitable path from laughter to terror. (Both words end in “r”—do you really believe that’s just a coincidence?)

Judges too lenient with pie-ers will be hounded from the bench. New laws will be passed (“David’s laws”), insuring the right to live pie-free. In Florida, new legislation will make it legal to respond to a potential pie-er with the shot from a gun.

Studies will be undertaken, attempting to make a connection between pie-ing and terrorism and fascism of all types. Perhaps Mussolini tossed pizzas sometime in his early career. Stalin probably ate bites off of pies, then passed them on for nefarious purposes. Even today, children are likely being enticed with pies into proto-terrorist pie-ist networks.

So, keep alert. The pie you ignore may become egg on your face

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